Day 152 - I know that I know that I know

"Even though I worry and get anxious about all the unknowns, I do know that my God has already seen the other side of it and he'll get me there."
~Judy King~

My cousin Judy is on my mind again. I find it interesting how, after years of neglect, I've rediscovered my cousins. I have not been close to any of my cousins since childhood. There was no fight, fallout, or painful disconnect. It was just life drifting us apart. Now, after more than 30 years, I value them, love them, miss them, need them and want to connect and stay connected. Yet several of them are in crisis. Only on the verge of losing them, have I placed value in them. *sighs* It's such a....human thing to do.

I received another update from my cousin Judy. If you're a long time stalker, you now all about her. If your not, then I hope you find what I find in her updates. Each time I read her updates I am humbled and awed by her bravery and faith and I am inspired to continue my own journey. When I think I have it bad, I reread one of her updates and I'm reminded just how blessed my life has been.

I ask you my loyal stalkers, my random passers by and my curious trolls, please pray for my cousins. I'll admit to being selfish. I only just got them back.

Good morning!

I need to ask for your prayers yet again. My latest blood work and CT scan have shown a slight progression of the cancer in my lungs, so we need to begin chemo again. It's a little discouraging to know that we really haven't made a dent in the tumors since they were first discovered back in February of 2009. Each time we stop the chemo they grow back, and now they are larger than ever before.

Thankfully, I've had a long break this time and have regained much of my strength in order to keep fighting. I've made plans to return to Rhode Island for about two weeks and just hang out with my family - on the beach as much as possible! We'll begin treatments as soon as I get back. This time we'll try something different - pills instead of infusions. I will be taking about 6 pills a day for 8-10 days. Then I'll have a week to ten days off before starting again.

This will go on indefinitely. We'll keep track of things through monthly blood work and regular scans. If there is improvement, we can modify the treatments. If there's no improvement, we keep going as long as necessary. The type of chemo that I'll be taking is typically easier to handle physically than what I was on before, so that is a blessing. I should be able to keep working, though tiredness will be a factor. Another blessing is that I'll be able to get quite a bit of it done over the summer, so I'll have a pretty good idea how my body is reacting to it before school starts again in August. There's a song that we sing in our chapels at school that starts out like this, "I know that I know that I know that only the Lord is God. I know that I know that I know that He is in control and I am not!". Even though I worry and get anxious about all the unknowns, I do know that my God has already seen the other side of it and he'll get me there.

I love you all and thank you so much for your prayers.

Judy

Today I'm grateful for:

Day 148 - Dig a Little Deeper

“Sometimes, you have to bear down and just say you're not going to go down like that, ... Sometimes, you have to dig a little deeper.”

~Jason Gore~

Pawned by the Hamster

Again

Yesterday I was saying I had to dig a deep to reach my gratitude. Well today I have to dig a little deeper. I woke late, I spent a good 25 minutes excavating another of the hamsters colon cleanses (why must he bury his poo?), oh and while I was cleaning up his kennel he generated another gooey pile in front of the french doors, AND just as I was leaving the house I poked at what I though was a puked up dust bunny with my toe...Um, yeah, that was not puke. *sighs* The man said I would feel better by day 3. IT'S DAY 3 PEOPLE! I'm still a stuffy, crabby, pissy superhero with a limp cape and a dried up yellow sharpie.

Today I'm going to have to dig deeper still. But I assure you...one way or another....I got this.

Day 54 - It's the little things

It can be helpful simply to make a written or mental list of the things you do each day. Then give yourself a mental credit for each of them, however small. This will help you focus on what you have done instead of what you haven't gotten around to do. It may sound simplistic, but it works.
~David D. Burns~

******

Today I'm grateful for:

the items crossed off my list.

the items not on my list that I do for pure joy.

losing my religion.

waking balanced. That does not happen often but when it does, I wallow in it.

no hamster tears or tantrums.

a small amount of justice and the mental image of Marian doing a victory dance in rockin pumps.

hugging the man. He just smelled so damn good. One day, when I ask him if we can play hookie, he will say yes and mean it. That will be a good day.

the little things that I forget to notice when I'm surfing the mood wave. Like Roy's breath no longer smelling of grubs when he licks my nose. Like extra long man hugs. Like finding FREE Podcasts for The Prairie Home Companion. Like an extra 8 minutes of sleep. Like getting to work 15 minutes late and STILL being the first to arrive. All these things add up to overflowing gratitude. Once again I must confess being completely unworthy.

One of the little things that made me happy

Day 14 - Hamster, Corner Pocket

“If you only do what you know you can do- you never do very much.” Tom Krause

******

No fancy words, no witty stories, no hamster doings. Today I just want to be grateful.

Today I'm grateful for:

tomorrow being Friday. This has been a trying week.

date night. Tomorrow is 3-D Avatar & dinner at Applebee’s with my man and my favorite couple.

hamsters. They are endless fascination and cheap entertainment. Even when they eat the dice.

stunning sunsets and the wisdom to look up.

grace. I am lacking it today but I'm grateful I once had it.

IM's from Lisa and Texts from Kelly. It's not face to face but it's still nice.

Jackson doing so well. *whispers* he may be sprung soon.

being grandma. Being a Grandma is your reward for being mom. Mom's drool, grandmas Rule.

warmer weather. I should have rode tonight. It was awesome

inspiration. Sometimes it comes in the form of mind wanderings of spaceships and giant hamster balls, other times it comes from God, tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Psssst, I'm here"

******

Hamster, Corner Pocket.

Not exactly what I wanted BUT

have you ever tried to get a hamster

to sit still when surrounded by balls?

Just a set up shot, but I kinda liked it.

It's PRE-edit so forgive the trash

Tonight's Sunset.

I just thought it was very pretty

Day 12 - Bearded men & Jack Frost

The bearded man is back. What is it about my bathroom window that attracts him? Your guess is as good as mine. Funny thing, it's the man that always finds him. Personally, I think he's an alien, but the man says "bearded man, see here?" and points out the features. I don't argue, I just nod. But me? I'm sticking with alien.

Today my attitude has improved though I find myself missing the hamster chronicles. I hope when it warms up and I can get back to my morning work-outs I will again be entertained by the creative styling’s of Roy the Alien Hamster. *wistful sigh*

Today I'm grateful for:

Shifting to the left. It was the bearded man in the mirror and a morning challenge that did it. Oh, and the HUGE, bright red “I LOVE YOU” email from the man.

Success! The man challenged me and this time I am victorious! *whispers* though I still think it's an alien

frost patterns. Now that I know it's gonna be back up in the 60's this weekend, I can appreciate the frost. It makes lovely patterns on the windshield. Jack Frost does good work.

Bible Study tonight. *twitch* No, I'm not nervous at all! *twitch* Why do you ask? *tic* A year ago I was a Taoist; tonight I start Bible study with 2 preachers wives. I really need to learn moderation.....

AMERICAN IDOL TONIGHT! Whoooohoooo! After Bible Study I get to curl up on the couch and hold hands with the man while watching American Idol! The Mecca of Reality T.V. Oh how I love the fantasy that is Realty TV. "Breaking News...American Idol is rigged!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA Really? That's breaking? I knew that when Justin Guarini made it to the final two in season one. It's trash TV. Stop analyzing it and just enjoy it. If you can't, change the channel to CNN and at least learn something.

Taco night. I love me some Tacos. The taste of fresh Tacos reminds me of summer nights, brilliant blue skies and happier days for Kelly. Grandma says she's doing better but I wanna see for myself. "Hey Ma! The tall blond is MINE! You stole the short brunette, but I'm keeping the blond. I am NOT above sporking my own mother. I'm just sayin...."

dead rats. I am no longer a pacifist. I quit being a pacifist when the dirty, filthy beast at my chocolate. (if the critter guy says I cried when I saw him remove 3 small mice, he's a liar I tell you! *sniff sniff*)

space heaters. Funny, it's one of the few inanimate objects I have not named, yet it's the closest to me. After all, it does blow warm air up my skirt all day. Honestly, I think it owes me dinner.

location, location, location. I freakin love Riverside. Our caliber of freaks is unparalleled in Northern Florida. You'd have to go as far as Southern Georgia for freaks equal to ours. Today's freak asked me if she could take her little girl to our bathroom. I said sure, after all, I know what it's like to have a little spawn that needed to pee "NOW MOMMA!" I will spare you the mess I found in our bathroom. After all, you may be eating lunch. It was my lunch break when I went in there. Um, yeah, I skipped lunch today...

learning. Every single day I learn something new. To learn is to advance, improve and adapt. When you think you know it all, you chain yourself to where you are now and rob yourself of the ability to grow.

grace. I think I've discovered the beginnings of grace within me. It's very small, and very quiet but if I'm careful, it may grow. I hope so. I can think of no better attributes to carry me though life than grace and humility. Except maybe gratitude :)

advice. I want to impart some here. If you find yourself stranded in a desert of idiots, frustrated day in and day out with everyone’s inability to get it right, angry and the in justice you are suffering at the hand of all around you, perhaps it's time to start looking within. I'm just sayin....

******

The Bearded man/Or Alien

Jack Frost's handiwork

This one just because I loved the reflection

of the sunrise in Sally's window :)

Thursday Gratitude - 365 Days of Gratitude

Wow, this morning started as it should, with the alarm clock going off at 5:30 A.M. Huh, go figure...

Then, the morning actively tried to piss me off. I tried and failed to get my jacket on 4 times. Each time my arm just missing the armhole. Ever have one of those mornings? I could feel my blood pressure rising and I heard Ms. Shankabitch muttering "Oh, it's gonna be one of THOSE mornings. Whoohoo! I get to come out and play!" With that I had to stand still in the dark room. I had to inhale deeply and tell myself "NO! This is not how it works. Just because I seem to have lost the ability to put on a jacket does NOT mean my day will be crap." I instructed the orc to add an extra layer of duct tape to Ms. Shankabitch's chains and put on my damn jacket.

As I removed the hamster from the transporter for his morning walkies I noticed a rancid smell. It seems today's Mystery Date is....wait for it.....Anal Leakage Hamster. Yeah, and I have no one to blame but myself. I decided it was OK to give him some chicken from our dinner. WRONG! BAD ALIEN HAMSTER MOMMY! *gags* Yup, the morning is still out to get me. With even more duct tape on Ms. Shankabitch I get down on my hands and knees and clean out the transporter. *gags* Oh AND I have to clean off the hamsters butt. Ever try cleaning off an alien hamster’s ass, without your glasses, when it's in the throes of his morning "I'm FREE" hamster dance? Right, yeah, that...

So, with the transporter clean, the hamster’s butt dingleberry free and my hands washed... repeatedly, I make a pot of coffee. I head to the stationary monster determined to work out my increasing frustration on the beast. I'm also determined to get the hamsters morning production of "the rug looked at me funny" or perhaps even "The blankets must go" on video to share with my intrepid followers. Oh, but NOOOOO. THIS Morning the hamster decided to lay in his nest and lick his balls *sighs, mutters, peddles harder* FINE! Be that way you drama queen!

As SOON as I put the camera down, the hamster decides to play "lets screw with Mommy's head" I believe in an attempt to exact revenge for me laughing at his wall thump and face plant. Keep in mind here I'm on the stationary beast, I'm pumping hard in an attempt to lower my still rising blood pressure, and I have my IPod in and up LOUD. Anyway, the hamster alerts on something. He stops licking his balls, tongue still out, ears go up and back, hair on his back goes up and he stares off into the corner of my dining room just out of sight and behind Roxie. I look at him; I look off into the corner and curse the fact that I left my glasses in the kitchen.

I continue to watch, and he gets up but stays low to the ground and inches his way to the corner. Knees bent, ears alert, back stiff, tail out, he sloooowly moves toward the corner as if looking and listening. Mind you, I'm STILL on the stationary beast and have Madonna and Justin screeching in my head how they only have "4 Minutes" and I can't see crap. This whole time I'm thinking "What does he see? If it's a snake I'm calling 911. Hell yes this is an emergency! If you don't come get this freaking snake I'll drop dead of a heart attack." and I visualize myself standing on top of the stationary bike seat throwing the hamster to the snake as a diversion. Just as he comes even with the short wall blocking my sight line of the corner, he barks once, backs up all the way back to the transporter. He jumps in, and lays down shaking. Apparently in high pressure situations the Chihuahua in him dominates the Jack Russell.

Finishing my work out all the while watching the hamster. He keeps staring at the corner shaking, then looks back at me, then back at the corner. Now I know what he was thinking "HA! Now I got you! Sucker!" "I accept this acting award on behalf of my Momma. Her laughing at me what just the inspiration I needed to push me to greatness" At the time however, I was freaked. Once I finished my work out I KNEW I had to check out the corner. I must have looked like an idiot but I KNOW I was moving just like the hamster did. Knees bent, ears alert, back stiff, as I crept up to the corner. What did I see? ABSOLUTLY NOTHING! *sighs*

I call the hamster out of his cage. It's time to go take my shower and get ready for work. Showering  I'm pondering the following: 1) is he REALLY that good an actor 2) am I REALLY that gullible 3) Was it Misty's ghost? Does the hamster have ESP? After all, I did just give the hamster HER blanket. *twitch* "Let it go Beth, you've been played. All you can do is laugh." He no longer guards me. Guess he got tired of lookin and naked wet mommy. Can't say I blame him. Wonder how many years of doggy therapy his shower guarding is going to cost me in the future?

Here the universe gives me a break. It's God patting me on the back and saying "Atta'girl. I'm proud of you for keeping the sporks stowed." I got on the scale this morning and it said 191.4. You guessed it, I heard angels singing. I KNOW this is divine intervention. No, really! You see, since oh, um....last THURSDAY I've been not just eating but grazing. KFC started it, Wendy's exacerbated it, and then an owner sent a pretty box of white & dark chocolates. Mind you, I usually HATE chocolate but I found myself eating my way though a 5 lb box. Next came this HUGE tin of cookies. That tin of cookies is a trap! Those cookies are laced with crack, I'm telling you! Oh, and let’s not forget the stew the boss made and brought in for lunch or the weekend of binging at home. My last weigh-in was 192 even after removing hamster paws. Yesterday I forgot to weigh in before I got in the shower and had to do it with wet hair. Shank, intimidated by the threat of meeting Bob, weighed me in at 192.6. I decided that the weight of the water in my hair was .6 and called it an even 192. Oh shut up, it's desperation math. This morning I weighed in at 191.4. What the heck? Really? I weighed myself 3 times. I am DOWN .6. Thank you Lord. I sooo needed that this morning.

Finally, freshly clean, prayers said, scale carnige avoided, blood pressure down...a bit and hamster in hand, I head out to deposit him in the transporter, grab my coffee & keys and head to work.....um, not quite. You see, I forgot to dump out the leftover coffee from yesterday before I made today’s. The pot had overflowed, covering my counter top, cutting board and running 1/2 way across my counter to the edge of the sink. With a "STRAP HER DOWN GOOD" shout to the orc I stuff the hamster in the transporter, clean up the mess, kiss the sleeping Pixie and head out the door.

That boys and girls, was my morning. In all this, I have found several things to be grateful for AND I want my kudos for not letting Ms. Shankabitch lose thankyouverymuch. *strains arm patting myself on the back*

Today I'm grateful for:

soft lessons & Atta'girls from God.

the calming power of a mustang's purr.

NOT giving in to the temptation to have a full blown melt-down. After my "interesting" morning I'm feeling sunny and fluffy and full of rainbows. I'm trying to not be proud but grateful. Pride is a lesson God is still working with me on.

Kelly getting to go to TX for Christmas. Mind you, I WANT to kick my feet and throw myself on the floor and cry "but your MINE for Christmas! I've already lost your sister and the royal duo, MUST you abandon me this way!?" but I said "Oh, that sounds nice. Have a great time! We can get together when you get home to exchange gifts. Love you!" Truth is a trip away from here, all the baby stuff, the trashed car in her front yard and having to explain why she no longer looks pregnant will be tremendously good for her. Sometimes being a grown-up sucks ass. *sulks* I AM grateful she has this distraction. I'm also petulant but hey, I'm tryin here...

Grace. Today it's found me. After my morning adventures I climb into Sally and head to work. Steve is singing to me my favorite Christmas songs and I take the time to look up. The sun is up just high enough for me to see and behind this thin layer of wispy clouds. The sky is full of pinks and golds and blues and I feel blessed. All my morning aggravations lost in the gift I've been given. My shoulders relax and my heart swells. Grace has found me. I hope she stays awhile. Perhaps if I'm nice and don't make any sudden moves...

fresh oranges for breakfast. Oh, and crack cookies. About 8 of them *twitch*

365 days of gratitude. I will be starting a yearlong project Jan. 1 2010. Produced by MeAgain Graphics inspired by God Productions. Yes, I know, there are 9,000,111,888,665 1/2 already out there doing it. *shrugs* Just don't care. It's not about them, it's about me. Feel free to tag along if you like. 365 days of journal entries, gratitude lists and photographs....Oh, wait...

future goals. I still have my sights set on finishing a bike race 2nd from last. I WILL do it. Someday. For once in my life, I have faith in me. How'd that happen?

Just because it's sunny and fluffy like me.

Oh shut up! Am too!