Then, the morning actively tried to piss me off. I tried and failed to get my jacket on 4 times. Each time my arm just missing the armhole. Ever have one of those mornings? I could feel my blood pressure rising and I heard Ms. Shankabitch muttering "Oh, it's gonna be one of THOSE mornings. Whoohoo! I get to come out and play!" With that I had to stand still in the dark room. I had to inhale deeply and tell myself "NO! This is not how it works. Just because I seem to have lost the ability to put on a jacket does NOT mean my day will be crap." I instructed the orc to add an extra layer of duct tape to Ms. Shankabitch's chains and put on my damn jacket.
As I removed the hamster from the transporter for his morning walkies I noticed a rancid smell. It seems today's Mystery Date is....wait for it.....Anal Leakage Hamster. Yeah, and I have no one to blame but myself. I decided it was OK to give him some chicken from our dinner. WRONG! BAD ALIEN HAMSTER MOMMY! *gags* Yup, the morning is still out to get me. With even more duct tape on Ms. Shankabitch I get down on my hands and knees and clean out the transporter. *gags* Oh AND I have to clean off the hamsters butt. Ever try cleaning off an alien hamster’s ass, without your glasses, when it's in the throes of his morning "I'm FREE" hamster dance? Right, yeah, that...
So, with the transporter clean, the hamster’s butt dingleberry free and my hands washed... repeatedly, I make a pot of coffee. I head to the stationary monster determined to work out my increasing frustration on the beast. I'm also determined to get the hamsters morning production of "the rug looked at me funny" or perhaps even "The blankets must go" on video to share with my intrepid followers. Oh, but NOOOOO. THIS Morning the hamster decided to lay in his nest and lick his balls *sighs, mutters, peddles harder* FINE! Be that way you drama queen!
As SOON as I put the camera down, the hamster decides to play "lets screw with Mommy's head" I believe in an attempt to exact revenge for me laughing at his wall thump and face plant. Keep in mind here I'm on the stationary beast, I'm pumping hard in an attempt to lower my still rising blood pressure, and I have my IPod in and up LOUD. Anyway, the hamster alerts on something. He stops licking his balls, tongue still out, ears go up and back, hair on his back goes up and he stares off into the corner of my dining room just out of sight and behind Roxie. I look at him; I look off into the corner and curse the fact that I left my glasses in the kitchen.
I continue to watch, and he gets up but stays low to the ground and inches his way to the corner. Knees bent, ears alert, back stiff, tail out, he sloooowly moves toward the corner as if looking and listening. Mind you, I'm STILL on the stationary beast and have Madonna and Justin screeching in my head how they only have "4 Minutes" and I can't see crap. This whole time I'm thinking "What does he see? If it's a snake I'm calling 911. Hell yes this is an emergency! If you don't come get this freaking snake I'll drop dead of a heart attack." and I visualize myself standing on top of the stationary bike seat throwing the hamster to the snake as a diversion. Just as he comes even with the short wall blocking my sight line of the corner, he barks once, backs up all the way back to the transporter. He jumps in, and lays down shaking. Apparently in high pressure situations the Chihuahua in him dominates the Jack Russell.
Finishing my work out all the while watching the hamster. He keeps staring at the corner shaking, then looks back at me, then back at the corner. Now I know what he was thinking "HA! Now I got you! Sucker!" "I accept this acting award on behalf of my Momma. Her laughing at me what just the inspiration I needed to push me to greatness" At the time however, I was freaked. Once I finished my work out I KNEW I had to check out the corner. I must have looked like an idiot but I KNOW I was moving just like the hamster did. Knees bent, ears alert, back stiff, as I crept up to the corner. What did I see? ABSOLUTLY NOTHING! *sighs*
I call the hamster out of his cage. It's time to go take my shower and get ready for work. Showering I'm pondering the following: 1) is he REALLY that good an actor 2) am I REALLY that gullible 3) Was it Misty's ghost? Does the hamster have ESP? After all, I did just give the hamster HER blanket. *twitch* "Let it go Beth, you've been played. All you can do is laugh." He no longer guards me. Guess he got tired of lookin and naked wet mommy. Can't say I blame him. Wonder how many years of doggy therapy his shower guarding is going to cost me in the future?
Here the universe gives me a break. It's God patting me on the back and saying "Atta'girl. I'm proud of you for keeping the sporks stowed." I got on the scale this morning and it said 191.4. You guessed it, I heard angels singing. I KNOW this is divine intervention. No, really! You see, since oh, um....last THURSDAY I've been not just eating but grazing. KFC started it, Wendy's exacerbated it, and then an owner sent a pretty box of white & dark chocolates. Mind you, I usually HATE chocolate but I found myself eating my way though a 5 lb box. Next came this HUGE tin of cookies. That tin of cookies is a trap! Those cookies are laced with crack, I'm telling you! Oh, and let’s not forget the stew the boss made and brought in for lunch or the weekend of binging at home. My last weigh-in was 192 even after removing hamster paws. Yesterday I forgot to weigh in before I got in the shower and had to do it with wet hair. Shank, intimidated by the threat of meeting Bob, weighed me in at 192.6. I decided that the weight of the water in my hair was .6 and called it an even 192. Oh shut up, it's desperation math. This morning I weighed in at 191.4. What the heck? Really? I weighed myself 3 times. I am DOWN .6. Thank you Lord. I sooo needed that this morning.
Finally, freshly clean, prayers said, scale carnige avoided, blood pressure down...a bit and hamster in hand, I head out to deposit him in the transporter, grab my coffee & keys and head to work.....um, not quite. You see, I forgot to dump out the leftover coffee from yesterday before I made today’s. The pot had overflowed, covering my counter top, cutting board and running 1/2 way across my counter to the edge of the sink. With a "STRAP HER DOWN GOOD" shout to the orc I stuff the hamster in the transporter, clean up the mess, kiss the sleeping Pixie and head out the door.
That boys and girls, was my morning. In all this, I have found several things to be grateful for AND I want my kudos for not letting Ms. Shankabitch lose thankyouverymuch. *strains arm patting myself on the back*
Today I'm grateful for:
soft lessons & Atta'girls from God.
the calming power of a mustang's purr.
NOT giving in to the temptation to have a full blown melt-down. After my "interesting" morning I'm feeling sunny and fluffy and full of rainbows. I'm trying to not be proud but grateful. Pride is a lesson God is still working with me on.
Kelly getting to go to TX for Christmas. Mind you, I WANT to kick my feet and throw myself on the floor and cry "but your MINE for Christmas! I've already lost your sister and the royal duo, MUST you abandon me this way!?" but I said "Oh, that sounds nice. Have a great time! We can get together when you get home to exchange gifts. Love you!" Truth is a trip away from here, all the baby stuff, the trashed car in her front yard and having to explain why she no longer looks pregnant will be tremendously good for her. Sometimes being a grown-up sucks ass. *sulks* I AM grateful she has this distraction. I'm also petulant but hey, I'm tryin here...
Grace. Today it's found me. After my morning adventures I climb into Sally and head to work. Steve is singing to me my favorite Christmas songs and I take the time to look up. The sun is up just high enough for me to see and behind this thin layer of wispy clouds. The sky is full of pinks and golds and blues and I feel blessed. All my morning aggravations lost in the gift I've been given. My shoulders relax and my heart swells. Grace has found me. I hope she stays awhile. Perhaps if I'm nice and don't make any sudden moves...
fresh oranges for breakfast. Oh, and crack cookies. About 8 of them *twitch*
365 days of gratitude. I will be starting a yearlong project Jan. 1 2010. Produced by MeAgain Graphics inspired by God Productions. Yes, I know, there are 9,000,111,888,665 1/2 already out there doing it. *shrugs* Just don't care. It's not about them, it's about me. Feel free to tag along if you like. 365 days of journal entries, gratitude lists and photographs....Oh, wait...
future goals. I still have my sights set on finishing a bike race 2nd from last. I WILL do it. Someday. For once in my life, I have faith in me. How'd that happen?