Day 192 - Weekend of Extreme

"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God, it changes me"
~C.S. Lewis~

(quote stolen from a fellow blogger. It doesn't really go with my post for today. I just liked it.)

This weekend has been full of extremes. I had a great time with my cousins yet I had to work A LOT. My cousins are thoughtful earthy people, several of the "emergency" calls I dealt with were angry entitled people. It was full of moments of utter relaxation soaking in an amazing tub and moment of fear when the smoke alarms kept going off. At the end of the day, it was a great weekend.

My cousins Tara and Jim are amazingly good people. Just yesterday I had a major screaming fit in my car after one particularly entitled person got angry because she locked herself out of her apartment and felt we should deliver her keys to her. This was her 2nd time doing this. She got angry when I told her this was not a service we provided but we did it as a courtesy the first time. Upon my hanging up from this conversation (we ended up delivering her keys because boss 1 is a much nicer person than I) I had what can only be described as a conniption fit. Tara, sitting next to me in my mustang, was in the direct line of fire. Tara did what Tara does. She dealt with me with grace and calm, accepted my apology and never made mention of it again.

I left the Pixie behind. She is with her cousins for the week. When I spoke to Jim after arriving back home he made mention that "should she wish to pull the rip cord" he'd be glad to bring her home. I assured him that she has never suffered from separation anxiety. Wish I could say the same for myself. Just going to the grocery store I missed her. I felt the absence of the bright and open presence that has been at my side virtually every day since her birth. The man feels her absence too. His simple "I miss June" nearly made me cry. *sighs*

BUT...

I had a great distraction. I managed not to spend the day wallowing in self pity, but reading user manuals for the way cool camera my cousins loaned me. Seems a fair trade, a Pixie for a way cool camera. I've been playing with it for days. The above photo is something I could never do with Brutus. I've pulled it apart and cleaned every inch of it, I've read most of the manual, I played with the flash, the filters, the manual for the speedflash. It's awesome! I believe I will have separation anxiety when I have to return it.

Anyway, the On Call phone has been eerily silent and a camera calls me to play so I leave you to enjoy your Awesome Sunday.

Peace ~

Today I'm grateful for:

Day 149 - Color Outside the Box

“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”
~Leo F. Buscaglia~

 

 

I've been trying for a long time now to break free. To remove the chains of fear and embarrassment, of anger and resentment and live. I've made progress but I'm still not where I want to be.

My goal is to grow backwards. To embrace the child within me. To nurture her and let her play. Long ago she was put in a box, her only toy a black crayon. For a long time I spent a lot of time and emotion trying to figure out how she got into the box, who put her into the box and why she remained in there. I started to heal the day I figured out that none of that mattered. What mattered is letting her out.

Well she's out now. She's still not able to dance like no one is looking but she has traded in her black crayon for a yellow sharpie. She giggles and laughs and cries at Disney movies and when she writes, she writes like she's booty dancing naked in the living room. She's free. She's taking her yellow sharpie and coloring the outside of that box that used to confine her. She is happy.

I am happy and I am free of the box. I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for the progress I've made and stand right here a moment. I want to see where I am, where I've been and where I'm going. From where I stand, it looks pretty damn good.

God has orchestrated this life. Dude, you rock. *kneels, makes odd rock n roll hand gesture and head bangs for Jesus*

Day 118 - A Brand New Day

“Children are natural Zen masters; their world is brand new in each and every moment.”
~John Bradshaw~

Today I'm grateful for:

a shiny new day. Today I leave behind the past two weeks and start fresh. I'll unwrap today from its colorful box and play with it and use is all up. After all, I get a new one tomorrow.


dawn. Each dawn is a new chance. A chance to get it right this time, a chance for adventure, a chance for love and a chance to change the world. From the dark corners of my backyard I saw the cerulean blue beginnings of today’s dawn. It was my God wink for the day.


enjoying my workouts. What I once avidly avoided, then forced myself to do, then did grudgingly, I now do with enjoyment. Not just the ending bit but the process of working out. Dude, that's epic. Seriously. Were my mother to see me doing this she would say "Where's Beth Ann's Pea Pod? Find it and hide it. We are keeping this new one"


bible study. Last night was the best one out of the last 10. The next study is on the book of James. It's all about the tongue. Lord know's I need this study. How am I going to tell the man that I want to do another 5 weeks? I'm thinking it's going to fly like a lead balloon.


No piles on Wilson.


Feeling thin. I am FAR from thin but I feel a little give in my belt and my undies (perv, I bet you looked) are no longer trying to cut me in half. I have not looked at the scale in over a month but I’m thinking the 3 workouts a day are; well, working out.


rain. We REALLY needed it. My poor little snapdragons got beat all to hell and back, but we desperately needed the rain. I smelled smoke on I95 last night. If the fire ban keeps up, no fireworks on the 4th. That would suck dude.

~Happy Hump Day Yo~

Yes, I know, I way over use this photo

I don't care, it makes me giggle

Day 79 - Play

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”
~Plato~

Today I'm grateful for:

play. I'm blowing off (nearly) all responsibilities and I'm just going to play.

St. Augustine. It's always good for some shutterbug fodder.

Pizza. St. George St. Pizzeria is the best place on earth for a slice of cheesy goodness.

getting my Sunday School prep done. Let's face it, the Hamster is going to be the center of attention, not Zaccchaeus.

Kelly. She is turning out to be a stunningly amazing woman. Now, if her dad can only teach her how to budget, she will own the world one day.

Lisa. Even the tone of her voice and the pace of her speech has changed. Just....wow

June. She is the epitome of grace and humility. She has no idea just how beautiful she is and she has this innate ability to see a person's inner-self FIRST. Their exterior means nothing to her. In fact, she never even sees it. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

believing 100% that life is good even giving my current issues.

Plato's advice. I will pass on the talk and just play.

Pixies at Play