Day 109 - I have a plan

“ Reason does not need thinking. If you observe yourself making a plan you will notice that having fixed the object, the facts just keep coming, linking up into a chain of proposed action.”
~Barry Long~

Today I am grateful.

Today I am grateful for a developing plan. It's not perfect, but it's sound. Now we just need her to play nice. I'm afraid that when she finds out it will be Wednesday, her head will explode.

Today I am grateful for the eternity I have to be loved by God.

Today I am grateful that I'm struggling. Myself and everyone around me has had what can only be classified as not ONE "day from hell" but a string of them but guess what? We've all blended together and are holding each other’s hand. We are not alone and that realization makes me grateful.

Today I am grateful for the dark days. Had I not lived through the dark days, THESE days would have crushed me. Without darkness, there would be no light. Because I've seen my worst, I know what I'm capable of. Don't worry about me. I got this.

Today I am grateful I never carried though on my plan to spork him. He may be her last hope.

Today I am grateful for conversations with Lisa. Sure, the word "cancer" is in there but it's surrounded by "love you" and "I get to" and softened by a tone in her voice I've never heard before. It's time to drop the drama and just call her Queen. Her calls are keeping me afloat.

Today I am grateful for a restorative weekend.

Today and every day I am grateful for my husband. Everything I could write about him would be nothing more than trite crèches but I will say: He is my favorite human and there is NO ONE else I’d rather be in the presence of. The activity doesn’t matter. Paying bills, cleaning the bathrooms or basking on the beach in paradise. If he is standing nearby I’m happy.

I am grateful today for yesterday and am grateful now for tomorrow no matter what it brings.

I am grateful always for discovering the life I always wanted but never knew I had was here all the time. All I had to do was wake up to see it.

Yes, I'm a dork, but I'm OK with that.

Day 47 - Delusion

“A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
~Albert Einstein~

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Today I'm grateful for:

empathy.

a good debate. It brings me out of myself and makes me think.

knowing that what I see in the photograph is distorted reality and delusion. There is something in the way my brain processes my own image in a photograph as something hideous and distorted. It is with rare exception that this is not the case. Most times I've learned to ignore it but occasionally, it breaks me.

my meeting with Chris. It's a step in the right direction. It is not a step backwards but a step forward to balance.

faith that what my husband sees is not what I see. His view of me is filtered though love.

God. He made me this way for a reason. Perhaps one day I'll discover it.

sleep. I got some GREAT sleep last night. That is some serious gratitude right there. Insomnia sucks buckets.

leaving my camera at home on Valentine’s day. It was intentional. I wanted to be IN the moment and not photographing it.

Day 35 - Doors

It is for us to pray not for tasks equal to our powers, but for powers equal to our tasks, to go forward with a great desire forever beating at the door of our hearts as we travel toward our distant goal.

 ~Helen Keller~

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This marks my 100th post. I wanted to make it a memorable one.... Yeah, I got nothin so I'm going with doors.

Real, surreal, physical or metaphysical, I find doors fascinating. They lead to and from interesting places if you let them. Before you open them they are full of excitement and mystery and untold adventure. I like looking at a door and imagining life behind it. This one has my imagination churning .

I like sayings about doors. I know, I'm odd, but some of my favorites are:  "When one door closes, another door opens." "When God closes a door he opens a window" (by the way, I like windows too)  and my personal favorite "The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” I think I'll open a door today. I feel called to. I wonder....

Today I'm grateful for:

Doors. They intrigue me. I sense a photo shoot coming. First pink glitter, then doors.

feeling balanced. For the first time in over a week I feel balanced. I'm not high on happy bubble fumes and I'm not the crazed sporker. I'm me, I'm choosing happy and I'm enjoying myself. For however long it lasts I will recharge the yellow sharpie and dust off the superhero cape.