Day 234 - A Crisis of Attendance

Inside the prettiet flowers

Occationaly you will find a spider

So...

Yeah...

Um.......

I had a meltdown in church this morning. I've been struggling since my pastor died, more so since the summer shut down, and more so still since I've been absent most of the summer. Then this morning the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. Kidstuff would be returning, but only once month.

Do they not know? Has Kidstuff been relegated to "Children's Worship"? How could they? Kidstuff is the glue that held me in my seat in the early days. When there was no face I recognized, when I was alone in the dark watching, before Megan joined us, before the BFF, before the Dorcus ladies adopted me, before Ms. Amy stole my heart, before I knew of Pastor Ken's gulf issues, before Ms. Mary huged me, before June said "I don't ever want to leave this church" there was Kidstuff. Where they not only celebrated virtues like "Individuality" but they TAUGHT them. Where secular music was played along side praise music. Where large black men donned blond wigs and pretended to be women. Where Gordo cloned Pastor Hal. Where I laughed and where I was taught on a level that made me feel less lacking.

I thought I was happy returning today. I felt my weeks of absenteeism had made my heart grow fonder. I was wrong. I tracked down Ms. Amy in the busiest part of her day and I cried "I need to go home. Don't count on me for a while." *Boooohoooo*

Drama much Beth?

For weeks I've been struggling and praying. Is it time for me to move on? To leave the church that fed me and supported me and befriended me? The ones who never judged me and put up with my judging them? I could not face leaving behind my fav 5 or any of the hundred faces that now know my name and hug me and miss me when I'm gone.

As I prayed one word kept playing over and over and over in my head. Abide.

OK Lord, but what does that mean?

Abide. Came my answer.

*sighs*

So, I kept at it. On the rare Sunday's I was in church this summer, You'd find me in God's Garage. Usually hiding behind my camera. I was so uncomfortable in this format. I felt lost, disconcerted and about as useful as jewels on a pig, but the Lord said to abide so I abided. 

Then my meltdown this morning where I told Ms. Amy that I could not serve anymore. Not for now. I needed to step back and figure out what God was trying to tell me. The commitment I made to the 4th grade, to the Family Fun day, to the church had to be put aside. I just could not do it anymore. I felt horrible, I felt a failure, I felt like I let her, God and myself down.

As I was walking away from Ms. Amy I was crying "God, you said to abide and I did! What's my answer? I am so unhappy in a place that has brought me back to you, a place where I once longed to be every minute of every day. Where I bragged about. Where I never wanted to leave. I prayed and I abided. Now what? I have to walk away? Why?"

"Beth, you tried, you prayed, you served, but you did not abide. Abide in me"

What......Wait....

Huh?

Then, on the ride home I felt peace. At peace a thought came to me "It's about time" "You're on empty." "Put all other commitments aside and abide in me. Release your resentment and just attend church and be fed."

Just so you know, the voice in my head was my own voice. I didn't hear Charlton Heston or anything. There was no angel music, no burning bush. Just clarity through the drama. Typical me, I give up, crash and burn, melt down, LITERALLY minutes before God provides me with the answer.

He's been telling me that I'm on empty. That trying to do UpStreet, minister to my mother, pray away my resentment over not attending Bible Study, and being gone most of the summer I was just on empty. I have a new spiritual leader I barley know. I need time to get used to his style and I need to let him feed me. I need to get strong in order to better serve.

Duh Beth, why didn't you figure that out before now? The Godprint was right in front of your face. Abide you were told. *sighs*

So, today I'm back to basics. Sunday worship at The Church at Argyle. Pastor Rick and I have a date. When I no longer feel lost and empty, when God feels I'm ready, he will lead me to where he wants me to serve. Until then, it's Pastor Rick and my Call to 66.

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for another Godprint. I am wholly unworthy and profoundly grateful."

I am excited beyond mortal understanding at not having to venture out into the big wide world. The Church at Argyle is more than my church, it is my community, it is my people, it is my heart, it is my 3rd favorite spot on earth. 

Peace ~

Wednesday Gratitude

*gloomy sigh*

Well today started out just peachy. I woke to hamster poop & pee on my bedroom carpet along with what can only be an entire box full of shredded tissue strewn from one end of my room to the other. Either the hamster was building a REALLY large nest or having a REALLY big party. Whatever dude, I was not happy and this before my feet even hit the floor.

This would be when I, in a fit of rage, snatched the dirty bugger up, storm outside, drop him rudely on the cold wet ground and scream "this is where you take a dump damn you!" At this, he bolts for the door and runs head first into the screen with a thump and a squeak. Only at this point did I realize I was standing in my back yard in my underpants, in the rain, in the dark, shouting at a hamster. I'd like to say these realizations snapped me out of it but that would be inaccurate. What I proceeded to do from here is chase the hamster away from the door. My big size 10 feet thumping after this 1.6 lb hamster. He scooted around the BBQ and beat me back to the door. This time remembering it was closed. There he sat on the dry concrete slab waiting to be let in, while I was standing out in the rain looking for him. I even lifted my foot to see if I had stepped on him. His panicked "Squeak!" for the man to let him in is what gave away his location. Again, I chase him off the slab screaming "If I'm out in the rain so are you! We are not going in till you pee!" This time he scooted UNDER the BBQ and ended up back on the slab and practically climbed up the screen in a desperate attempt to get away from the crazy lady. Me? Well you guessed it. I was back out in the rain looking for him. Only the sound of his nails on screen giving away his location this time. Around and around we went and it always ended the same. Him on the dry slab squeaking at the screen and me huffing and puffing in the rain.

Now, let me stop here and state the obvious. This is NOT the proper way to housetrain a hamster. In fact, my gut tells me I've set us BACKWARDS a great deal. Roy and I are going to have to work out our mornings. We seem to do great the rest of the day but our mornings are and "Epic Fail" poster waiting to be uploaded. Lucky for Roy the Pixie is off school today. She will sooth his frayed nerves and I'm sure, have much better luck getting him to go outside. She's turning into quite the little Dog Whisperer. Good thing to, I hear pet shrinks are expensive.

Hamster harassing aside, the rest of my week has gone surprisingly well. I completed my 7 day raw detox. That was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a very long time. The sense of accomplishment I feel for having made it all the way is equaled only to the fact that I quit smoking. For some reason, myself sabotage gene kicked in last night and kept screaming at me "Hey! Eat a cookie! You really don't have to go all the way to morning. It's just a rice cake for God sake!" I had the WORST cravings for that freaking rice cake! Oh, and every single bloody commercial last night was for FOOD! Pizza and McDonalds, and butter, and cookies, and ice cream and Taco Bell. OMG! I had to fall asleep during DWTS in order to stop the madness. BUT, come dawn, I had succeeded where I had always failed before. I completed what I started.

My 7 day raw detox started last Wednesday with a water fast. This day was actually the easiest of them all. I had nothing to think about and optimistic of what I'd lose. The struggles I faced were my own laziness, my lack of knowledge, the time consumed in trying to prepare 2 meals each night, a broken blender, the fact that I don't like "sour" which most fruits are, and the fact that the weather turned cold making me long for a nice hot meal. The worst of what I faced however was my own mind. Even after quitting smoking I still consider myself a quitter. I tend to get all excited about starting a project but defeat myself before the finish line. I would think "You're not going to do it anyway so just eat the chicken wing. You know you wanna." That "stinkin thinkin" combined with the smell of cooked foods just drove me insane.

BUT I stuck to it. I broke the quitter cycle and I lost a few pounds. The pounds lost were not the only benefit though. I am amazed at what I gained by this experience. First and foremost, I completed what I started. This combined with quitting smoking SHOULD convince me I'm not the quitter I make myself out to be. I lost a total of 6 lbs in 1 week. I weighed in last Tuesday at 192 even and weighed in this morning at 186. It does suck that the last 3 days in a row I have not lost an oz. but there you go. I'm going to assume that I've hit the dreaded "plateau" week and celebrate an 6 lb loss. There were also unexpected rewards such as a leveling of my estrogen levels. This was one of the FIRST benefits and one that amazed me. I've been in full blown menopause for a year now. I also suffer from IBS and the detox cleaned me out BIG TIME. Sorry, that may be TMI. Also I stopped shedding. My hair has been falling out in clumps for almost 2 years now due to a medical issue. Well, not now. The chronic dry scalp/dandruff I suffer from is not gone but greatly reduced. My hair shines like never before and the dry skin I suffer from, particularly this time of year has been greatly reduced. I still have raw patches on my left hand, but it's no longer cracked and bleeding. Oh and I'm strong! I've crushed all previous personal records on both the big pink bike and the stationary beast. My stamina is amazing! While I've been forced to reduce the allotted time due to hamster wrangling, I've been able to double the productivity. I do twice the distance in 1/3 the time on the bike and have reduced my stationary time to 15 minutes but now to 4 45 sec. intervals. Wow!

I would have to say that my detox experience was fulfilling, beneficial and an epic success. Even with my cheats and I would recommend it 100% to anyone wanting to jump start their diets or metabolism, or perhaps just want to clean out the system. You won't be sorry.

List of my cheats:

Coffee
Pruvia Sweetner - in my coffee only
Creamora - in my coffee only
salad spray
Balsamic Vineger
Altoids - a total of 2 on Sunday. I forgot I was on a diet in church :/
Lifewater - I had one Friday as a treat and one Tuesday

That's it. That's my cheats for 7 days of raw detoxing. We all know it's 7 cheats to many, but I'm choosing to look past my cheats to all I've gained. I freakin did it! I rock! Move over Skinny Granny! I'm hotter than you!

Today I'm grateful for:

another chance to do it right.

not stepping on a hamster

7 days of success. I didn't cave to the wafting chicken wing, the calling potatoe salad, the winking deviled egg or the tempting rice cake. I made it!

4 day weekends. Today is my Friday! *dances*

Friday, especially when it comes on a Wednesday!

a holiday to celebrate gratitude.

Turkey, stuffing, taters, ham, sweet potatoes, pies, pumpkin & zucchini bread, gravy, peas, green beans, rolls, family, friends, football, turkey sandwiches, left over’s, music and fun.

hamsters. Even when I'm chasing them in the pre-dawn rain in my underpants. 5+ hour later I am so laughing my butt off at the visual I have in my head. Hope Roy has found the humor. Do hamsters have a sense of humor? Mine better or life in the Reed house is just going to be one long walk on the wild side for him. Who knows? He may like it that way. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZ88oTITMoM

my man. He said nothing about my morning melt down and has agreed to vacuum and dust after work tonight. That right there is love. I don't care who you are...

did I mention a 4 day weekend?

Siesta Key FL Zoo & Jungle Exhibit