Day 234 - A Crisis of Attendance

Inside the prettiet flowers

Occationaly you will find a spider

So...

Yeah...

Um.......

I had a meltdown in church this morning. I've been struggling since my pastor died, more so since the summer shut down, and more so still since I've been absent most of the summer. Then this morning the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. Kidstuff would be returning, but only once month.

Do they not know? Has Kidstuff been relegated to "Children's Worship"? How could they? Kidstuff is the glue that held me in my seat in the early days. When there was no face I recognized, when I was alone in the dark watching, before Megan joined us, before the BFF, before the Dorcus ladies adopted me, before Ms. Amy stole my heart, before I knew of Pastor Ken's gulf issues, before Ms. Mary huged me, before June said "I don't ever want to leave this church" there was Kidstuff. Where they not only celebrated virtues like "Individuality" but they TAUGHT them. Where secular music was played along side praise music. Where large black men donned blond wigs and pretended to be women. Where Gordo cloned Pastor Hal. Where I laughed and where I was taught on a level that made me feel less lacking.

I thought I was happy returning today. I felt my weeks of absenteeism had made my heart grow fonder. I was wrong. I tracked down Ms. Amy in the busiest part of her day and I cried "I need to go home. Don't count on me for a while." *Boooohoooo*

Drama much Beth?

For weeks I've been struggling and praying. Is it time for me to move on? To leave the church that fed me and supported me and befriended me? The ones who never judged me and put up with my judging them? I could not face leaving behind my fav 5 or any of the hundred faces that now know my name and hug me and miss me when I'm gone.

As I prayed one word kept playing over and over and over in my head. Abide.

OK Lord, but what does that mean?

Abide. Came my answer.

*sighs*

So, I kept at it. On the rare Sunday's I was in church this summer, You'd find me in God's Garage. Usually hiding behind my camera. I was so uncomfortable in this format. I felt lost, disconcerted and about as useful as jewels on a pig, but the Lord said to abide so I abided. 

Then my meltdown this morning where I told Ms. Amy that I could not serve anymore. Not for now. I needed to step back and figure out what God was trying to tell me. The commitment I made to the 4th grade, to the Family Fun day, to the church had to be put aside. I just could not do it anymore. I felt horrible, I felt a failure, I felt like I let her, God and myself down.

As I was walking away from Ms. Amy I was crying "God, you said to abide and I did! What's my answer? I am so unhappy in a place that has brought me back to you, a place where I once longed to be every minute of every day. Where I bragged about. Where I never wanted to leave. I prayed and I abided. Now what? I have to walk away? Why?"

"Beth, you tried, you prayed, you served, but you did not abide. Abide in me"

What......Wait....

Huh?

Then, on the ride home I felt peace. At peace a thought came to me "It's about time" "You're on empty." "Put all other commitments aside and abide in me. Release your resentment and just attend church and be fed."

Just so you know, the voice in my head was my own voice. I didn't hear Charlton Heston or anything. There was no angel music, no burning bush. Just clarity through the drama. Typical me, I give up, crash and burn, melt down, LITERALLY minutes before God provides me with the answer.

He's been telling me that I'm on empty. That trying to do UpStreet, minister to my mother, pray away my resentment over not attending Bible Study, and being gone most of the summer I was just on empty. I have a new spiritual leader I barley know. I need time to get used to his style and I need to let him feed me. I need to get strong in order to better serve.

Duh Beth, why didn't you figure that out before now? The Godprint was right in front of your face. Abide you were told. *sighs*

So, today I'm back to basics. Sunday worship at The Church at Argyle. Pastor Rick and I have a date. When I no longer feel lost and empty, when God feels I'm ready, he will lead me to where he wants me to serve. Until then, it's Pastor Rick and my Call to 66.

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for another Godprint. I am wholly unworthy and profoundly grateful."

I am excited beyond mortal understanding at not having to venture out into the big wide world. The Church at Argyle is more than my church, it is my community, it is my people, it is my heart, it is my 3rd favorite spot on earth. 

Peace ~

Sunday Gratitude

OK, so it's not even noon and God has taught me a lesson. I've discovered that when God is intent on teaching you a lesson, he makes it happen. He can teach you softly, he can teach you with a smack in the back of the head, he can teach you with a kidney punch or he can pull on your heart but he WILL teach you. This morning I forced him to teach me the hard way and my heart now has scars, I'm racked with Mommy guilt but I am also as grateful and as proud as I have ever been.

This morning was better than most. I got up with plenty of time, got to take a nice long hot bath, got to play with the new external hard drive and backup all my music and photos, BUT I had to yell at the Pixie. She made a bargain last night "If you let me, I'll shower in the morning. No complaints. I swear!" so when I went to wake her and she BEGED me to stay home from church I instantly got pissed off. "Get your ass out of bed, in the shower and ready for church. With all you've been given this week the LEAST you can do is spend ONE freaking hour in church. You PROMISED no complaining and this is what I get?" "But I'll get up right now and take my shower, just let me stay home!" "NO, get up NOW you have 30 minutes. MOVE!"

I assumed, as any reasonable parent would, that my child was just being lazy. She stayed up to late watching her new movies and didn't want to go to church. Since this is her week to serve, I figured she also wasn't in the mood to whisper to 2 year olds. Reasonable assumption right? 20 minutes later she comes to me showered, 90% dressed with wet, unbrushed hair and tries again "Mom..." "I don't want to hear it June, just go finish and get that nasty hair brushed. You now have 10 minutes and counting." Without a word she leaves the room and gets ready. We walk out the door JUST on time for church. Normally we like to go to the church's Cafe but no time for that this morning. *insert exasperated Mom sigh* All the way to church I am lecturing her about gratitude & responsibility and service. Just as we pull into the church parking lot she says "I know I messed up, I'm sorry. I just want to clean my room. Little Terry and Sean are coming over and they didn't have a very good Christmas. My new stuff is all over my room and I just wanted to clean it up so they wouldn't feel bad. I'm sorry Mom. I should have done it last night" and she cries like her heart is breaking.

Now, if any of you out there are not reaching for your tissues right now, you are hard hearted indeed. I immediately said "That is the absolute BEST reason for not going to church I've ever heard. I SUCK for not asking you why you didn't want to go. I'm so sorry June." And we both sat in the car, in the middle of the church parking lot crying like babies for a good 10 minutes. After I pulled myself together I dropped off my items for next weeks Cafe and left. I am 100% sure God completely understands why we didn't go to church this week. If I had just ASKED June why, I could have left her at home and I could have gone. As it is, I had to drive her home and would not have the time to make it back.

God said "DO NOT ASSUEM, ask. Even for your children. YOU DO NOT KNOW IT ALL. Only I do thankyouverymuch. Sometimes it's OK not to go to church. There ARE good reasons."

I've told you all that my kid is awesomeness personified right? Yeah, I thought so, just checking. I told her I was sorry. I told her it was NOT her fault and she did nothing wrong. Yes, it would have been best if she had cleaned her room last night but that it was no big deal. I was the only one to do anything wrong. I assumed and didn't ask. I didn't listen to her or to God. So, we are now home and she is cleaning her room. I'm sitting here licking my wounds feeling equal parts of guilty, proud and grateful.

Today I'm grateful for:

my youngest child. Of us all, she has the best heart. When I shut up and listen, she teaches me to be a better person.

Sundays. They freakin rock. I miss being at church but God is right here so all's good.

Sleepy hamsters. They are so damn cute it is hard to resist the urge to disturb them. I just want to pick him up and hug and squeeze and love on him. What keeps me from doing it, if I'm honest, is NOT that it would disturbing a sleeping beast, it's that I know the FIRST thing he would do is stick his tongue up my nose then run off and steal my underpants again. As cute as he is sleeping, THAT's not so cute.

All Hail Sally. Band practice is in session. It's been a long time since we've had one. The house is rocking and I'm making Hot Roast beef sandwiches & tater tots to keep them fueled for hours of rockin. Then, the Jacksonville Jags will get thair asses kicked by the Patriots and we will have front row seats for the carnage. That's a rockin Sunday Afternoon right there. I don't care who you are.

Bike rides w/ Roxie and Roy. It's not warm but it's warm enough. Told you I live in paradise.

Photo editing. I finally have PSP x2 installed. Time to Play, oh, I mean Work. Yeah, work...that's it.

getting to sit in my office listening to the band practice. I can't explain why I love this but I do. I love hearing the noise of my life while I'm doing something peaceful. It's MY recipe for a perfect Sunday. I know it sounds like I'm removed but it feels like I'm enveloped. It's hard for me to explain in words but I'm grateful for that feeling.

my man. Only my man can look hot in Vikings printed pajama pants, a white tee-shirt and a flannel shirt while rockin out to lead guitar and dancing in place. He's the lead guitarist for All Hail Sally and I'm his biggest fan. *screams like a teenybopper and swoons*

not fearing Mondays. I've been off since noon on Thursday. I do not fear tomorrow. How freakin lucky am I?

NO on call calls for either the man or I since Thursday. How about that? NO freaks trying to flood their kitchens, burn up their ovens, over flow their toilets or burn down the house. This makes 2 major holidays with NO on call emergencies. How the hell did that happen? Did someone put all the freaks in a state of suspended animation? Did I fall though a worm hole in space? Enter the Twilight zone? Come on, SOMETHING has to be going on. I KNOW the phone's working I keep getting junk mail texts.

feeling calm and at peace. I had to work long and hard to learn to recognize, and then appreciate the moments of pure peace. Funny, I used to NEVER feel at peace. Once I learned to recognize those fleeting moments of peace, they came more often and stuck around longer. It's a skill worth developing, the payback is 10,000 fold.

Rock out w/ All Hail Sally
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k45fGYqTGyc

The hamster Christmas 2009.

He's grown! Big Boy Roy!