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Thursday, August 19, 2010

Day 231 - Menopause the Musical

“In this culture we are told to set goals. We are supposed to know where we are going and then take specific steps to get there. But this is not always possible, or even wise. It is the male model of linear, rational thinking. But the life process of women…is more chaotic and disorderly, more circular and intuitive. Sometimes we can’t see the next horizon until we step out of the old life. We don’t yet know where we are going. We may not know the place until we arrive.”
~A Woman’s Journey to God, Joan Borysenko~

My life is cyclical not linear. How do I know? Because I keep running around in circles and all I see in front of me is my big rear-end. The good news for me is that most of the time I'm looking up at the sky or down at all the cool bugs that now seem to fascinated me.

In the wee hours of the morning, laying awake a large portion of them, I was thinking about today's blog. I was all set to talk about "The darkness" I could feel creeping up around the edges of my perfect life. The self loathing that turns my slice of paradise into something sparkling on a pedestal and totally out of the reach of this loathsome and undeserving creature. To blog about the self doubt that makes me ask my husband over and over and over "do you love me? How much? Do you REALLY love me?" until his answer turns from "Yes, bunches" to "Now that you've asked, Maybe not."

But somewhere in the middle of the night I've made a turn. Perhaps it was all the earnest prayers "God please help me leave it at your feet. Help me to forget that I know. Help me to leave it up to you to fix what is not my place to fix. Help me to BE OK with it. If this is your will please help me to simply abide"

Or, perhaps it's just more bi-polar/menopausal madness that does not give me the time to process one emotion before it shoots me off into another. *Shrugs*

Whatever dude. Today I'm behind the green door listening to my copy of Menopause the Musical" and slowly digging my way through the paper fodder that lines my desk, sipping a fresh brewed cup of amazing coffee, watching my new beta-fish Keys float in his bowl while my digital frame flashes the nearly 1,000 photos I've taken over the last month or so and I steal a moment to be grateful for this cyclical, emotional, blessed life I've managed to carve out for myself.

Peace ~

Today I'm grateful for:

menopausal/bi-polar madness. I hate the havoc it's wreaked on my life but I love the perspective it's given me. Since there's nothing I can do about it, I may as well embrace it.

discovering that if I don't freak out and get pissed off about the insomnia I can get some high quality God time in the stillness of the night.

Parents who love me. I didn't always believe they did. Shame on me.

Venus. She makes my office smell soooooo good. Today's choice is French Roast. *sips* Ahhhh...

boss 1 & boss 2 who not only know of my fishy love but supports my habit. Keys is our guard fish and sits in front of the key tree. He was my promotion gift from boss 1 & boss 2. He is blue and he is handsome and he guards my office well. Atta'Boy Keys!

Roy. He barked at me then jumped on the treadmill. That's his gentle way of telling me vacations over. Time to quit eating like I'm still on vacation and time to get my fluffy butt back to working out. Roy did a full 30 on the treadmill and no pooh was flung. Atta'Boy Roy!

my job. Not only do I have a mad gratitude for merely having a job, I has a mad love for my job. I work with the most amazing people, in the most amazing office, in the most amazing city in the world. I am an exceedingly lucky superhero.

Julie. She is the Yin to my Yang. We are the dynamic duo. Together we are unbeatable.

my man. He puts up with my stuff. For the most part. Though I've learned my lesson. I will never ask "Are you sure?" again.

life in general. In the world of haves and have not's, I am most certainly a have. What I have is not for everyone. It's custom made for me. Get your own.

I'm going to take a lesson on life from my little cousin Daisy Mae.
When life gets crazy, I'm going to sit and examine my toes.

1 comment:

  1. As always, I love it, Beth. ((hug)) Thank you for sharing.