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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Day 119 - A Thin Line

“When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.”
~Cynthia Heimel~

I suffer from the menopausal disorder of insomnia and night sweats. When lying awake at 2 AM and trying desperately not to wake the snoring human lying beside me, my mind grabs hold of some issue of my day to occupy itself. Last night’s obsession was thin lines.

There is a thin line between insanity and brilliance. I have no delusions as too which side of the line I'm on but I continually strive for the other. I may or may not ever achieve brilliance but in the striving for it, I am moving forward, improving and growing. I'm OK with that.

There is a thin line between love and hate. I lived on the wrong side of that line for nearly all my life. Hate and anger dominated my life and colored everything and everyone in it and came to an explosive head August 31st 2007. A day later I began my journey to the other side. That line is not as thin at one is lead to believe. It took over a year for me to be able to say, with relative certainty, that I LIVE on the love side. But it's not permanent residency. I have to work hard and be ever vigilant lest weeds obscure the line. I must tend the garden of my life by weeding and watering it and by making sure nothing obscures the sunshine. I must pet and tend the wild things that reside here. Tell them how much they are loved and removing all fences that rein in their play. It sounds like hard work but you know what? The longer I reside on this side of the line, the less it seems "work" and the more it seems a high quality life.

There is a thin line between self delusion and self awareness. Most people pick one side of this line or the other. Me? I try to balance ON the line. I find it healthy for me to mix it up. I try not to obscure the line, just blur it a bit. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. I own my labels both good and bad. I have a firm grip on my belief system, my faith, my responsibilities and my callings. This was not always the case of course. You know all about my "journey to self awareness" BUT I like my milder self delusions. The ones that let me "feel thin" even though I'm nearly 200 lbs. The one that let me "feel young" even though I'm soooooooooo not. The ones that let me call myself a superhero, my dog an alien, my kids wild things and my home paradise. Those delusions enhance my life and color it with rainbows. I like walking this thin line. It helps me with my balance.

My middle of the night conversations with myself are rarely productive but they are no longer scary, harsh or negative. I simply lie there sweating and thinking and praying. Waiting for blessed sleep to return. Today I just thought I'd share and see if I was alone out here on this branch or if you too had thin lines of your own.

My new favorite photo of my eldest wild thing.
Go with me here, I'm testing a theory.
(I did not take this photo)
Today I'm grateful for:

thin lines. They remind me where I've been and act as a guardrail to keep me from returning. Even when I walk them like a tightrope.

the joy I receive tending my garden and petting the wild things.

self delusions. I feel pretty today. *sings: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay"

new rocker tees. This would be the reason I feel pretty today. I bought a new tee over a month ago and today is the first time I've worn it. I bought it because I loved it's look but I didn't bother to try it on. For some damn reason I've been afraid it was too small. Guess what? It's actually a tad large. You guessed it, I booty danced with the hamster in my bathroom mirror this morning. *goes back to singing: I feel pretty, Oh so pretty..."

working out. 3 times a day seems to be doing the trick. OR myself delusions have reached a whole nuther level.

oranges and water and yogurt oh my. Makes for a very om nom nomable breakfast.

anticipation. We have a girls ROAD TRIP coming in two days. June just can't WAIT to meet new cousins. She's been doing the countdown to road trip all week. I'm happy she's as happy as I am about it. Not all tweens would be that happy about 3 days with mom. How lucky am I?

my man. Just cuz he's hot and sweet and cries at the Biggest Loser just like I do and because he always goes along with my madness. I don't know if I believe in "soulmates" but I do believe God custom built him for me. I like that even better. I have this visual of God saying "No no! Give him TWO dimples. One in the chin and give him the maximum allowance of patience. He's gonna need it where he's going"

being wide open. I'm ready, willing and able for whatever comes my way today. THAT feels GREAT!

~Let's all sing together now~

1 comment:

  1. I think you are BRILLIANT :) Pure Awesomeness Beth! I really needed this today, thank you!