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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Day 34 - Visual Aids

visual aid
–noun 
 any of various materials depending on the sense of sight, as films, slides, photographs, etc., used as aids in teaching.
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It's coming up on an anniversary. In a few days it will be 2 years since I got the bright idea to try and be a more positive person. Simple right? Just "think positive". Come on, should be easy, what's it gonna hurt to try? I can't believe it's only been 2 years. This journey has been the single most amazing and transforming journey of my entire life.

6 months after I tried to blow up my life and failed, thanks to the heroic efforts of my husband, watching Oprah in the dark before work, chain smoking and chugging "coffee" a random thought ran through my mind and got stuck there. (*takes a breath* now there's a long sentence. My favorite English teacher is spinning in his grave) At that moment I had no idea how profundly and permanently my life would change. I have done a HUGE amount of self examination, work, growth, failing, stalling, crying, screaming and soaring since that morning.

I am amazed at how this simple idea manage to take root and grow into my life of gratitude and mundane adventure. What force said "to start, get a visualization board. Something you can look at and cling to when times get tough. Oh, and they will get tough. This is not going to be as easy as you think Cupcake."? I now believe, that this is the moment God came back into my life. Though it would be another 18 months before I would step foot back in chuch.

Believer or not, I urge you to listen to that small seemingly random voice in your head. It just may lead you to an adventure of a lifetime.

Today I'm grateful for:

listening.

doing the work. There were times when I thought I would be crushed under the weight of my own sins. I faced them, I owned them and then I burned them. The day I burned them was the first day I heard God's voice in a charge sliver of pink paper.

the 100% absolute conviction in my belief that God speaks clearly and directly to you. You just have to learn to shut up and listen.

change. I am still an entity in flux and I will be till the day I die. I've come to accept that there will be a permanent "Under Construction" sign over my head. I wonder if I can use my origami skills and fold it into a spiffy hat?

new words. I love words. Word of the day is a very cool tool for exercising the mind.

Walks. I miss the big pink bike like mad, but walking is good too. Starting tomorrow, the dreaded stationary beast is back. Since the little dog is getting regular walks I figure I can give up the morning training session and return to the beast. The scale said I'm now 193 lbs. That is SOOooo going to change.

aches. They mean I'm moving and no longer viewing life from a computer chair. *looks into the mirror and shouts" Take a Tylenol and get back out on the field! You have work to do!

non-chemical mood stabilizers. I'm still determined to get on "real" ones but I'm procrastinating. *sticks out lip and sulks* I just don't wanna. They is icky.

my age. With age comes wisdom and the very first thing I got wise to was that, in fact, I did not know it all. I listen to these kids, babies younger than my own, speaking to me like I've slipped into my dodged. Back in the youth of my 30's, someone talking to me that way would piss me off and end in a sproking. My ta-tas and boohiney may sag but my mind soars. I'm OK with that.....most days.

hump day. I just love saying "hump day" and I get to use my spiffy avatar on Facebook



my visualization board. The very first thing I did was go to Wal-Mart and buy it. That first day and for about a month after it was rather sad and pathetic but it did what it was intended to do. With nothing more than a few butterfly stickers and some random words like "open" and "simple" it encouraged me not to give up. It's grown to overflowing. Once my OCD got the better of me and I tried to "clean it up". I could not bring myself to remove a single item. Buried and barely visible are those very first stickers, along with a piece of burnt pink paper, some string, a plastic cross with "Jesus Rules" on it, a key to nothing, Pixie art and many more bits and twizzles of the past 2 years. Each on the board for its ability to remind me where I've been, where I want to go or just to make me smile. At some point during the week I make it a point to stop and look at my board. It's a non-chemical mood stabilizer and it never fails in its duty.
 
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