My day started about 3:30 A.M. when Roy the humping hamster decided it was a grand time to play with the man's pants that were hanging off the edge of my hope chest. Oh, joy. Have you ever tried to find a dancing hamster on the floor of a pitch black room? The pathetic "squeak" told me I'd found him. I reach down to pick him up in the dark and he back away. Thus began my day.
In hopes of continuing on my sleep journey, so rare these days, I brought him into bed with me. Have you ever tried sleeping with a dancing hamster? It's all tongue and tail and little sharp teeth making contact with your fingers, lips, nose. *yawns* Eventually, he fell back asleep in such a position that his nose was directly in my breathing path. I spent the remainder of the night breathing in the scent of kibble and his flea shampoo. You know, I've heard tell that hamster tastes like chicken. Well Roy boy is very lucky I didn't glean first hand knowledge of that. I was simply to exhausted.
I swear to you, it was no more than 33 1/2 seconds later, the alarm went off and once again, the hamster began to dance. I dragged my tired, fluffy ass out of bed with one thought on my mind "today I get coffee!". However, I need to get stabbed. To get stabbed, I have to fast *grumbles, groans, shakes off the hamster humping my leg* I will get my coffee but it will have to wait till after my blood work. I am DETERMINED to be in the lab no later than 6:30 A.M. I will NOT go through this again. So, I pry the hamster off my leg....again, and put him down to eat. I've spent a good deal of the night listening to his little tummy grumble so I KNOW he has to be hungry. NOPE, the hamster dashes off to play with the puppy in the dishwasher. For just a second, I hope the puppy in the dishwasher wins. Hey! It was only for a second!
So, with no water and no kibble, I try taking Roy the Boy for a walk. It went something like this *step, step, back out of color, dart for the door, whimper, grab, shove back in color, try again* Mind you, I'm barefoot and it's still dark out. After about the 7th time of chasing him back to the house I lost my cool. I snatched him up a bit too rough, held him at eye level and yelled that I was the boss. Um, yeah, he licked me IN the nose and wagged his tail. I'll ask you, have you ever felt a hamster guilt trip? I wouldn't recommend it. So, I do what any self respecting Roy Mom would do. I cried Uncle and deposited him in the Pixies bed. He's her problem now. Well, at least till she leaves for school. She has strict instructions on hamster handling.
I did manage to get stabbed and make it to work on time. There, the boss already had the coffee brewing. *insert angels singing* All is now right with the world, I am filled with yellow, I am also filled with remorse for yelling at a defenseless hamster. After all, I spent the last 6 months campaigning for him, wishing for him, begging grateful for him in the future. It's day 2 of a very long haul. I'll blame it on the fasting and move on. Today, I'll eat my weight in apples and lettuce and take him for a walk when I get home. I plan on buying a harness. One guaranteed against hamster escape.
Today I'm grateful for:
COFFEE! I grabbed a cup and sucked it down speaking like Gollum. "Ah, my precious! Precious is MINE!" Yes, I know coffee is not considered "raw" Screw it. I'm drinkin coffee. Skinny Granny said I could.
lack of firsthand knowledge. Don't ask me if hamsters taste like chicken. I don't know
fruit. Thus far I have eaten my weight in pineapple, strawberries and oranges. Lunch is a lovely mix of romaine lettuce, mushrooms, tomatoes and for a dressing? Lime juice. After a day of water, this is a feast!
faith that Roy forgives me and I will be greeted with a happy hamster dance when I get home. I can't wait! My life has been lacking since May.
the man's claim to being a "light" sleeper. Um, babe, last night that gave me a giggle. I'm glad you slept well. It makes my nocturnal adventure worth it. Oh, and I got to keep all the Roy kisses for myself. As you know, I don't like to share my toys.
Shank. This morning he told me I now weigh 190. A 2 lb loss from Tuesday when I last weighed in. Not as much as I'd hoped but it's a loss not a gain so I win. Skinny Granny here I come!
not sporking the bio-hazard guy. Dude, you can NOT tell me at 9:15 P.M that the call I sent you on at 11:00 A.M is uninhabitable and ask me what to do with the elderly gentlemen that lives there! This is information I need DURING NORMAL BUSINESS HOURS when I can reach the owner who lives in FRANCE if he wants to cover lodging for said elderly gentlemen. Not, at 9:14 P.M. I suggest you call your wife and tell her you'll be having a slumber party cuz I have no option but to break out my personal credit card and put him up in a hotel. Um, I like being married so I'll pass on that. Tag, your it. (not to worry, Mr. Douraghy found lodging with a kind neighbor. Funny how a "no other option" turns into an "I can manage" when it's no longer someone else’s problem.)
surviving the water fast. I ate NO food from 8 P.M. on Tuesday (and that was only a slice of wheat toast & a bowl of cereal w/ rice milk) till 8 A.M. this morning when I stuffed my face into a bowl of strawberries and pineapple. I did however cheat. I drank 2 cups of coffee and 2 cups of Chi Tea. I made it to 6 P.M. That's a victory in my book. Any diet that considers coffee and tea cheating is lame anyway....Oh don't look at me in that tone of voice. *sulks*
Roy the Boy. Even with his nocturnal adventures I love that sweet little puppy. He is a freak, he is an odd duck, he is a humping hamster and I love him. He has big paws to fill but I know he can.
patience. God has sent Roy to teach me this lesson. Thus far I think it's going well....BWAHAHAHAHA sorry, just couldn't keep a straight face. I am a work in progress. Roy will let you know how I'm doing in a few months.
my list. In the writing of this list I was able to find the humor in my trials and find the positive perspective. My heart is lighter and I am happier. That or I'm on a coffee high. Either way, I'll take it.