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Friday, August 13, 2010

Day 225 - Exposure

Today has been a mixed bag of nuts. Some good, some rotten goobers, some over salted and some broken. Today started before dawn when my cellphone alarm beeped it's incessant "Get up, Get outa that bed, get that bed made, get your ass on the road!" I woke in the 3rd strange bed since I left home still warm from the conversation I had with my cousin well past what was a reasonable bedtime. It was time to get on the road once again and return to my parents home in MD. The memories made in RI some of the best I can remember.

The return was as amazing as the road to RI. 6 hours up, 6.5 hour back. Record time and more proof I was intended to make this trip. I can only hope I've accomplished what God intended me to do.

I am beyond grateful for this trip. I am grateful for knowing that I am her favorite. That she supports me in anything, in any endeavor I choose to take on. Beyond that I know that she BELIEVES I'm THE best. She does not just play lip service, she truly believes in me. She has my entire life. I never had to live up to her expectations, I had exceeded them the day I was born. Everyone should have an Aunty like mine.

I am grateful for a thousand short conversations with a thousand cousins, some new to this world and some new just to me. I am grateful for a long conversation lasting way past my bedtime with one particular cousin. Her open heart and generosity put my worried mother at ease. There is just no words to describe how grateful I am that she is back in my life.

I am grateful for my cousin's magic garden. I could spend hours happily feeding the shutterbug. It was a source of joy that I cannot describe. Paula is one of the most beautiful of my cousins and a creature of natural magic. She took the  time out of her hectic schedule to show me some of the gardens secrets. The photos I took in her garden are by far the best I've ever taken. She also gave up her room and bunked with her squirmy son. Thank you Paula. You rock dude! Pssst....I know you're my cousin and I'm not supposed to notice, but dude, your hot! Just thought I'd tell ya. Love you Cuz!

I am grateful he read it and told me it was poetry. From him that is high praise. I was shocked he'd read it. I had no idea. Then he read us his. I had no idea he was capable of such a thing and it moved me to tears. Thank you Uncle Charlie! But you still suck for making me all weepy.

I'm grateful that God's hand was all over this trip. From the record time there to the weather, to the fair, to the garden and photos and conversations, and return home. Every single aspect of my trip said "You are where you're supposed to be".

I am grateful the flood was not worse, that while she is tired and exhausted and ready to give up, she didn't. I am grateful my strong and beautiful daughter didn't give in to the desire to chuck it and give up. Where once there was a needy and dramatic young woman, there now stands a woman capable of standing on her own. She needs no one so those of us she chooses to let in had better be damn grateful.

I am grateful for time with the royal trio. True, they are chucking me for the shiny and spectacular spiffiness that is Aunty Jume and Katlin, but hey, they know I'm here and I know their there, so it's all good. Besides, it gives me some one on one time with his newest Royal Highness Jax.

I am grateful for the trip home. The trip through NYC was the most memorable in the 30+ years I've been making this trip. There was no new spot, no section of road left virgin, yet I never before remember seeing the Manhattan Skyline, or having the freedom in traffic to notice that you could see the Empire state building from I95. The kids were amazingly good, specially given the fact that they've spent literally 24 hours out of the last 6 days in the car. The hamster was exhausted after sniffing the butts of all the new canine & feline cousins he's met. Mom and I talked, laughed and shared as 400 miles slid under our tires. Upon returning home we discovered dinner cooked, house cleaned, and drinks waiting for us.

But that's when the day turned ugly and as the hours passed it progressively got worse. It ended with me laying bare and exposing some of the most painful admissions of a lifetime. I had to go back to a place I had not been in over 3 years. I had to admit my failings, admit just how weak I still am, and uncompromisingly stake my claim on my priorities. I'm left rather shaken and fear I thought I had given up long ago has crept back in.

The good news is now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will lay in bed and pray "Thy will be done" and I will be loved, forgiven, and my fears will be washed away. I only wish I could wash theirs away. But as a wise woman once told me "It's not my job to fix him" and it's not my job to fix them. I leave it in the hands of the father and I will add a little something extra to my prayers tonight. "Lord, please let them find the peace I've found"

I'm grateful for the quote sent to me by a special friend. It arrived just when I needed it most. I read it outloud several times. Each time I read it a new level of understanding was recieved. It was the salve that my wounded spirit needed. X0X0 Ms. Amy.

quote from “The Weight of Glory” by C.S. Lewis…

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would strongly be tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.”

At the end of a very long day I am grateful. I was worried for a short time that I would not have the strength to be so. After descending back into the pit I'd escaped from so short a time ago, I feared I might get stuck there. In my sleep deprived, weakened state I may once again get mired in the sticky negativity and soul sucking anger. But God reached in, plucked me out, and placed me back on my familiar beach. There, waiting for me in the sand was another footprint to follow.

Peace ~



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